It is interesting the routines we get into. How easily we slip into them, and how strange it feels to bid them adieu. I have been musing about what it means for this to be Chris’ last week of chemo. It is of course fantastic news, but there is a bittersweetness to it as well. It means we won’t be here at the clinic any more, seeing these sweet caretakers. It means Chris will return to work at the office before too long, no longer always at home when I want to see his face or eat lunch together (ya know, when he has am appetite for lunch at all ;). It means returning to a new normalcy on the other side of CANCERZOMG and wondering if it will be the same or not. I don’t feel all that different just now, personally, but I know Chris surely does; and we haven’t had the time to talk about that fact too much, since his energy is so low most days that a deep talk about Feelings and Life isn’t a priority. I can fully understand how people facing more dire prognoses with their cancer need counseling to be able to find space to express just how much things change in your mind and body during treatment.
And then I feel kind of guilty for thinking I will miss any part of this. I mean, I haven’t been the one suffering in the way Chris has, and to cling to an part of this feels like I am diminishing what a shitty time it has been for him. Then again, maybe when we do talk more about this later on, I will better understand his experience and headspace, and perhaps he, too, will miss parts of this experience. But let’s just get past these final few treatments. Then we’ll talk…
I’m feeling pretty wretched right now, but I’m really happy to know that this is the last round I’m going through, and the last time I’ll be on the downward slope of this roller coaster. I know it’ll be a while until I feel myself again, and a longer while until I’m back to 100% – but emotionally it feels good to know that slow climb will begin soon. A few weeks, soon.
That is all. I hope y’all are doing well, and thanks for all the kind words in the past couple of days!
Last Friday, I had a CT scan and X-Ray for the first time since the chemotherapy started. I’m starting my third (three week) course today, so Friday was the end of my sixth week.
This morning, I met with my oncologist to discuss the results. The largest tumors I have originally started out at 5cm, which put me right on the line between stage 2 and stage 3 – and the hope was that they’d have shrunk to 3cm or below by now. As the doc told me a couple of weeks ago, if they were still 3cm or larger, we’d need to start talking about other options (i.e., more chemo and/or surgery). If they got to below 3cm, it meant I was responding well to the therapy. So, that is the metric – 3cm.
Yesterday we went in to get Chris his CT scan and chest Xray. It was specifically scheduled at this time–at the end of the 2nd round and just prior to the beginning of the 3rd round–to determine if the therapies are working. They compare the first CT’s with the new CT’s and see if the tumors are shrinking as they expect. If they are not, then they look into several options, the most common including a 4th round of chemo, radiation, or surgery.